Okay, first thing I want to do is explain that I have all my 31 songs picked. I have been talking to some people about this blog and don't want people thinking I sit down and think what other song could I write about. Also they are in no particular order. They aren't even necessarily my favourite 31 songs just 31 that have impacted or soundtracked mylife. anyway...number 4!
Joseph Arthur- In The Sun. THis song helped me in late 2009/ January 2010 as i had a kind of crisis of faith. The song isn't a Christian song. Joseph Arthur as far as I know isn't a Christian, but I first heard this song when I was watching the film Saved! a film about a christian school and it was played at a part of the film where the pupils had nop faith left in the school. Or God. I never stopped believing in God. However, there was a patch where my mind was full of doubts. Was God the Christian God? Was he listening to me? Where my prayers just stopping at the ceiling as i lay on the floor crying to God? I couldn't feel God like a good Christian should. I lay in bed after downloading Joseph Arthurs whole back catalogue listening to this song... and I cried. Not to God as I didn't know if he was listening or not. But He was.
"I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in..."
The song begins like that. Thats how i felt I was on my knees just asking for sympathy. I didn't want forgiven, just to know God was there, that he cared. I was caught between what I wanted to believe about God and what i saw.. which was that He didn't care. I know now that he did and he was there through it all but I just felt so alone. The line that stuck out the most to me was the next one. It seemed i was just trying to find anything i could feel that I could believe in. It hurt when he sang that. It was like I was begging God to reveal himslef to me because I wanted to believe in him but felt I couldn't. That whole opening verse revealed the tension in my heart. The Chorus though changes the tone:
May God's love be with you Always... May God's love be with you Always... May God's love be with you Always... May God's love be with you
When Joseph arthur sang those lines through my earphones I felt a comfort. I felt I knew God was there. He loved me. Maybe not the fairytale God I had perhaps created in my own mind whose purpose was to please me, fulfill my wants and needs, but a father God, whose name is love and whose plans and purposes are greater than mine. It shook me up, but in the end brought comfort. It eased the tensions in my heart that the verse revelaed.
I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes 'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, i became someone else
I knew this was true, I knew when God shown me himself I would want to change and become who he wanted me to.
'Cause if i find If i find my own way How much will i find If i find If i find my own way How much will i find If i find If i find my own way How much will i find You... You... I'll find you You... I don't know anymore What it's for I'm not even sure If there is anyone who is in the sun Will you help me to understand 'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need Maybe you're not even sure what it's for Any more than me
These lines where exactly how i felt. I was scared if i searched for God that I wouldn't like what I'd find. That he wouln't be someone i'd like. I was so scared that he wasn't there, and needed help understanding.
Since this crisis of faith I have spent many nights lisening to this song and seeking that God. And yeah i guess some things i thought about God had to change. My view of God had to widen. But life is a journey and God has brought me to a place where I can be in the sun seeking and finding him but fully knowing he loves me, cares for me and is ALWAYS there.